Angel for the story Cendrillon
*claps* Bravo! Someone
who can actually write description!
I am actualy not too worried about this fic, for once the main
are spelled correctly and they seem in-character.(thanks, by
the way, for the author's note of why some of the names are
differently, I was going to chew you out for that...)
As for your orginal character, well... I have always
original characters belong in original fiction, but yours actually has a
personality and flaws, and (from
the sounds of it) she might actual be a
problem instead of coming in and saving all of their hides while looking
and gaining all of the main character's respect the instant they
Now, on to the writing. I actually don't
see too many grammer errors
with your writing, just a few little ones. I can actually visualize (sp?
I am too lazy
to put this under spell-check) the setting and mood.
Very clever with the french phrases. I am just finishing my first
of French, so I am glad I actually understood some of it... It was
nice/smart of you to add in their translations
at the end of the chapter.
As for the plot... well, I am just hoping this doesn't turn out to be a
'my orginal character
falls in love with my fav. character on the show'
fic. I love orignal plots, and as shown above I have read all too many
of stories that start out good with a orginal character, but they turn
it into a hopeless romance story ignoring any
and all laws/plots of the
actual show. I am begging you not to do this!
All and all, fairly good. You got my interest...
There is one word to describe
the beauty of this story -- just one. It's a word I've learned to use in those situations when you encounter something so
beautiful, so heart-wrenching and appealing to the soul that most words utterly fail you -- you cannot describe the events
without resorting to tears and a picturesque language of emotion. It's a word that holds great meaning to me. That word is
"superb" -- whether it's technically correct or not by its definition, I hardly know. Definitions can not touch this story.
...Your story is superb, for the fact that it reached so far into my soul that mere language couldn't reach it anymore.
for Moonlit Mirrors
I read your story for the
first time tonight, and really enjoyed it. I
don't write reviews often, because I can't seem to master the enthusiam
people put into them, but I thought your story was so good I had
I don't see how you can possibly think your
"writing abilities have
died." I enjoyed chapter 7 the most of all as it started to provide some
started to get Harry and Luna somewhat together (I'm a born
You're doing something in your story that I
believe is rather difficult
to pull off; that being to use flashbacks to tell two seperate stories
at the same time,
and to do it seamlessly. I'm looking forward to the
time when you merge the two elements.
Okay, you knew it had
to come, the dreaded suggestion. In a developing
relationship there has to be the element of trust. Did you
consider having Harry tell Luna about his ghosts and Luna tell Harry why she
keeps getting injured? A walk
by the lake and a sincere talk could
really advance the element of trust. I always liked this pairing because
felt they could help each other deal with the hardships of their
By the way, I loved your reference to Queen
Mab in chapter four.
Someone that's a quarter fairy would most certainly call upon her name. All
is beautiful, especially Celtic mythology.
I look forward to your next chapter, may it be soon.
for Moonlit Mirrors
Can tell that your in a jam with direction though. You
tend to jump around a bit. You've got a lot going on
on top of trying
to wrangle a few OCs into the story. You might want to pick a small
portion of the story and
work toward a resolution, (i.e. Harry/Luna
romance, Harry getting to know siblings, Harry's subtle recollections of
Harry learns Kung-Fu at Draco's expense...) You've got a lot of
subplots going on, focusing on one or two for a
while might help with
focusing creativity. If you need to sacrifice a subplot to help keep the
I recommend taking the focus off of Emelye and her husband.
Without reading the other story the two really just
don't grab the
reader's interest. Harry and Luna learning wandless magic is cool and all
but it sounds like
your more interested in Harry finding happiness
through either his newfound 'coulda-been' siblings or through his
relationship with Luna. Other than that, you've got an excellen
t grasp of dialog, your characters are tangible and
have a very close
to original canon feel, (Harry sounds like JKRowling's Harry, and the
others sound like the others
should.) You've characterized Luna very
well but be careful of losing her strangeness. Harry can still fall
her even if she does strange things. It's part of her charm. Try to
avoid overvictimizing her.
The Slytherins might be prone to be nasty to
her but the most the other houses might do to her is treat her like
the Red Nosed reindeer or according to the book hide some of her
personals. As tempting as it might be to turn Cho
Chang into a villain
because she dumped Harry, remember that she still grieves for Cedric
and probably hasn't had
her head on straight since his death. Other than
that, it's goin great, don't stop.
General Grevous for My Girl
For the first time my critic's
heart is sated. I'm genuinely impressed
by this fic, a Cyborg/Raven pairing is always refreshing. Something
have not seen. What strikes me is the agnst and fluff. FLUFF! These
elements combined with a wide
vocabulary is what makes this a winning
fic in my view.
Very, -very- impressed.
Besides having almost no conventional flaws,
your words just seem to run together in one huge, complete idea. I
could hear someone narrating it clearly. All of the characters were
perfectly in character, and you managed
to write about the movie without
taking every little bit from it. You supplied details where they were
and did them believably and accurately. Edmund was a very
convincing ten-year-old; he wasn't made into the jaded
teenager like many people
end up with in their work, he acted his age and had appropriate
reactions. The bit
comparing the 'shallow copy' of the candy to the love the
Witch offered him was so brilliant I actually opened my mouth
in a sort
of "Ho crap, how did I not notice that?" Once again, I'm really,
really impressed with this, and I
hope you continue writing more.
the story "Troublemaker"
I can't believe I haven't
reviewed this yet, but I've read it several
and each time something comes up right when I finish and I get
I keep coming back to this story. This is one of the best Narnia fics
read. I like your take on Edmund's conversation with Aslan, and his
transformation is gradual enough that it's realistic. I think your
not be the type to be constantly kicking himself and weeping in his
years to come over what he did when he first came to Narnia -- I see a
that type in fanfic and I really can't buy it. So it's refreshing to
realistic, touching take on my favorite Pevensie. I'll read any Narnia
you write! Great job!